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  • PurpleKnight

    True Colors and a Desecrated Legacy

    By PurpleKnight

    I've often wondered how my own actions will reflect on me. In recent days, I've weighed the consequences of actions and decisions that I've made over the past months, from the more serious and impactful ones to the minor choices that can affect those close to me. All people are flawed in some way and it is our imperfections which can make us extremely beautiful creatures or completely dreadful. What colors truly shine through us on a daily basis? And what does this have to do with the BDSM Library? I'm going to reveal one of my weaknesses to you guys in this post because I think it is important that you see I am a human. Some people have already confronted me on this, but I don't view myself as a good person and tend to fight it when people tell me I am. I've always considered myself a "creature of the night" and my colors to be purple and black- the colors of the night sky. I have vowed to use my darkness in a manner that can do some form of good for other people and to try my best to inspire others. There are some days I excel at this far better than others. There is a time for everything- this includes the building up of things and the tearing down of them. But of people themselves, I see tearing down as something only for the wicked. I don't mean the constructive form of tearing a person down in order to make him or her stronger here, but character assassination, the desecration of what the person holds dear and dishonoring people who do not have the option of defending their name.  I was sent this screen shot today of my profile on the BDSM Library by misty, who was concerned because it shows Torq changed my home page URL and knows where we are now. I say, let him know. It also proves every point I've ever made about him. I had over 100 posts on the library- mostly in the Tasking Society where I worked so hard to inspire people to explore and learn about themselves so that they could be in control of their destinies as they continued along their paths. Those blogs and posts were removed and my legacy replaced with this. One could think of it as tragic, but I see it as revealing. It reveals the character of a man who consistently violates his own rules and is completely self-unaware. His myopic view of things and inability to see how very actions as these cast his colors is why the BDSM Library is destined to falter, flutter and fall. For some, the end of it all is the true tragedy. Some have dedicated much more time to culturing that site than I did and will lose far more than I did. The site has cancer though and it has spread throughout the upper levels. Torq falsely accused me of being the hacker who continues to take the site down when I am not a technical type. I chose extra security tools on this site because I'm not an expert in coding or security at all. He has also characterized the truth I revealed about his reading PMs as false rumors, when in the same breath he uttered the exact number of members I told people we recently recruited that we have.  So while you may be angry that my good name is tarnished, I never viewed myself as a good man to begin with. Use this instead as a mirror. It is undeniable evidence of Torq's character, his lack of integrity and his immaturity. When you are speaking with others about the state of that site and debating his rightness, you only need to direct people there. What man who felt in the right would go out of his way to remove 70 posts and to alter someone's profile in the spirit of a vengeful teenager? His colors are revealed and they are ugly. Torq is that man and he owns the BDSM Library- which will have a legacy of its own. I find it unfortunate that so many of the innocent will be affected, but the doors of Avalon are open to the weary who are looking for refuge from this callous and dangerously ignorant man who is a disgrace to his leathers. Let us turn now to building a new legacy and a new culture. Yes, a time for building is now upon us.
    • 3 comments
    • 100 views
  • misty {HBMan}

    Today I was Punished. (About cauliflower ears and pantyless mornings)

    By misty {HBMan}

    This is the conversation that led to the punishment: HBMan: I piked up a ladder  and got attacked. There was a huge nest under the top tread. I got stung on my ear by A WASP(and don't you laugh) and it hurts. misty: <insert a plethora of caring and supportive words ending with> Are You allergic? (See what a good subbie I am??? Don't let Him tell Y / you any different!)  HBMan: These were paper wasps(Image below courtesy of Google).   The fucker stung me like a machine gun. And I'm standing there slapping myself trying to kill the fucker. misty: My Poor Sir!!! *giggle jumps out* I'm truly grateful only one went on the attack! Or that You didn't fall off the ladder during the attack!  (Note the caring concern....) HBMan: Yes! and slapping the side of my own head!   misty: *hides giggles*Soooooooooo.....Do You have a big ear now???? HBMan: You're laughing!! I knew it!  Stop laughing! misty: Can I call You Big Ears??? Please can i?????? Like in Noddy!? He was the police man... HBMan: I'm now officially Ignoring you. misty: (notice how I try to help Him here)  You know, I've heard it said.....big ears....huge cock..... This is true, right?? *nudges Your hand* I know it's true....right??   HBMan: (after quite a while)  Im going to punish you. Not for laughing, but because youve shown No sympathy. Panties OFF for the next hour. Come on, girl. Get them OFF misty: meep   *****Punishment and several hours go by*****   misty:How are You feeling? Ear swollen?  HBMan: Yes my ear is the size of a cauliflower  and it still hurts. you've heard of cauliflower ears? misty: I have...from rugby. (Image included courtesy of Google) I know something that helps for Big Ears... kisses. Lots and lots of them.   I didin't hear any complaints about that suggestion!!    I believe I was unduly punished! I had only supportive and / helpful comments!  My Poor Cauliflower Eared Sir.  Get better soon! ❤❤❤      
    • 16 comments
    • 114 views

Our community blogs

  1. funsize
    Latest Entry

    Last night I did something I do upon occasion, I checked out another BDSM chat room.  I do this every once in a while so that I can meet new people and keep things in perspective.  The one I went to last night had nearly forty people chatting though only around a dozen were actively chatting in the main room.   I was just sitting in the sidelines and could tell it was a tightly knit group of regulars, fine that happens.  Then the things I hate started rearing their heads.  Within my first twenty minutes there I was getting private messages from three different people, which I don't necessarily hate.  One of the messages was from someone I actually invited to come here and message me further because I liked what he had to say so much.  The other two people well, they did not.  The first approached me wanting to know about me, because that site just asked for a screen name.  There were no profiles to learn about people from.  Fine, it happens.  I answered his questions and shot back with a few of my own.  Well one of my own was, how long have you been part of the lifestyle?  A pretty generic question.  His answer, a few years.  Okay that's vague.  Then he went on to tell me about much he loves rope bondage.  My answer, I love shibari too, and rigging.  He had no idea what I was talking about.  Red flag.  He's a fake or just been left so uneducated to what the lifestyle really is.  Deep breath, conversation continues... with him telling me he's hard.  How nice.  *Sarcasm fairy!* Pretty much not interested in anything with him after that.  

    The second person got invited back here so moving onto the third.  A woman approached me calling herself a Mistress.  We started out with the basic info of asl (age, sex, location.)  It's pretty standard so I think nothing of it and almost always respond with America as my location until I get to know more about the person I'm chatting with.  Her next question, and this is the part that really makes me HATE other online communities.  Are you for sale?  She's referring to slave auctions.  *Sigh.* Fine, fine.  No I'm not for sale.  Are you owned?  Yes... go away lady.  Would you like a job?  What?! Doing what?  Find me other girls to sell.  NO.  I already have a job.  It's good money, and will only take up weekends.  Not interested.... Finally after asking for my panties so she can give them to some other girl and being turned down she finally took the hint.  I'm still shaking my head over that interaction.  That's not what BDSM is!  It's not selling people or paying someone to find people you can enslave! Master slave relationships aren't about that either, they are again consensual and beautiful because of it.  BDSM is a beautiful harmony of people consensually coming together for mutual pleasure, communication, and growth.  So again, I really hate other BDSM online communities, because situations like that happen all the time.  Its ignorant and abusive, and I am so grateful to be able to make this community into something more.  

  2. KittyK@kay
    Latest Entry

    Need to vent...

    i'm not sure whether it's because i am such an honest person myself, but the one thing i have always hated was being lied to.  And i feel that, especially in the BDSM lifestyle, honesty is a MUST.  If you can't be honest about who you are, what you want, what your limits are ... then what are you doing here?  And why lie about something insignificant?  Something that means nothing in the grand scheme of things?  When someone lies to me about something, anything ... i can't trust them.  And then to cover a bold lie with "sorry if you misunderstood"?  No, i did not misunderstand, you said A ... then later said B.  If i don't want to reveal something, i say so.  If i am uncomfortable about a certain topic, i say so.  What is so hard about that?  Why do people feel the need to lie?  Am i just naive?  i know it's not just an internet thing, because it's happened over and over in real life too.  It just really gets me angry!  

    Vent over ....

  3. Today HBMan seemed different right from the first message He and I exchanged. 
    I can't say how different.  I just knew immediately He was different. 
    So, I asked whether He was ok. He replied that He was. 
     
    What followed can only be described as a disasterous conversation.  It ended with His frustration levels rising while I sat and cried. 
    I knew I wasn't to blame but I could also see His effort to not hurt me. And so I gave Him an 'out' saying I needed to go and do something. 
    A short while later, He replied with a wry little joke, I saw it as the effort to come closer that it was and we got to the heart of the matter. All is well and we realised how sensitive we are to each others moods.
    But it showed me more. 
     
    I've always maintained that the hardest part for me in a D / s dynamic is not obedience. It's not limits or tasks. It's being  vulnerable. Being open. 
    Actually, it's more...Remaining vulnerable when you can see the Other is off-kilter; not shutting down to try and protect yourself.  That is what is difficult. 
    And while I felt myself closing, and telling Him that it's OK and that I'll sort xxx out myself,  feeling very alone and vulnerable, the second He showed a hint of wanting to right the balance, I didn't hold onto it. I believed that He really wasn't going to hurt me. And I could embrace it.  That is progress, isn't it?
    It might have stayed a disasterous conversation, but it didn't.  
     
    Why? 
     
    Because He doesn't want to hurt me and I don't want to shut down. 
    Slow steps. Solid. Important. 
  4. Of course women know ALL these facts the same as they know everything else...Right?...but Us guys don't...So here is a explanation of One of the fairer sex's anatomical parts that fascinate Us so much....O.o

     

    The average boob weighs 1.1 lbs (0.5kg) and contains 4-5% of the body's total fat.
    -40% of Australian women wear a bra with a cup size DD or larger.
    -The average bra size in the U.S. is a 34DD. 20 years ago: it was 34B.
    -Squeezing breasts may prevent cancer. Guys who routinely fondle their partner's boobs may actually be saving their life! Apparently, applying physical pressure on the breasts can stop the rapid growth of cancer and prevent out of control cells from turning malignant.
    -The average erect nipple is about the same size of five stacked coins.
    -Due to hormones released during ovulation, a woman's breasts are most symmetrical between days 14 and 16 of her monthly cycle.
    -Massaging a breast or nipple releases oxytocin to the brain, the same chemical that's released when you're hugged.
    -The average U.S. woman wears a size 40D bra. This equates to about 3 lbs total or 1.5 lbs per breast.
    -Females have an equal chance of inheriting your chest size from either parent, which is why sister may have very different breasts sizes.
    -Nipples can leak fluid, even if you're not breastfeeding.
    -German model Stephanie Rahn was the Sun's first Page 3 Girl, revealing a single breast in the newspaper in 1970.
    -The Milky Way Galaxy is so named due to the ancient Greeks believed that it was made from a drop of milk from the breasts of the Greek Goddess Hera.
    -Women who get breast implants are three times more likely to commit suicide. How ironic is it that a procedure undertaken to enhance a woman's self-esteem, has resulted in a finding that women who get breast implants are at least three times more likely to commit suicide.
    -In most women, the left breast is usually slightly larger than the right. This is due to the proximity to the heart. Very few women have perfectly symmetrical breasts. An up to 20 percent difference in size between the right and left breast is normal.
    -Boobs aren't just made of fat. They are a complex system of glands and ducts, which also includes the nipple. Underneath each breast is muscle, as well as fibrous tissue that separates it from the ribs. After a certain age however, breasts do turn into mostly fat.
    -Breast milk is sweeter, has more vitamin E, more iron, less essential fatty acids and less sodium than cow's milk.
    -Hormones released during pregnancy can make nipples darker. They fade later.
    -Sexist men prefer large breasts. A study identified a connection between sexism in men and breast size. The men were then asked to identify which women they found most attractive following which each was given a survey measuring hostility and attitudes toward women, relationships, benevolent sexism and how much a man objectified a women. The majority of men interested in large to very large breasts admitted to displaying behavioural traits of sexism and hostile attitudes towards women.
    -Breasts normally grow for about two to four years after a girl gets her first period.
    -Pregnancy, breast-feeding, menopause, birth control pills, and even sex can cause breasts to swell.
    -80% of women are wearing the wrong bra size, which can lead to back pain and indigestion.
    -Some women have one nipple wider than the other. It's normal.
    -According to a French study conducted over 15 years on women aged between 18-35, wearing a bra is completely useless for women and may actually cause more harm than good. The study claimed that those women who did not wear a bra actually benefited long term, as they were able to develop more muscle tissue, which provided natural support.
    -Breast cancer is the second deadliest cancer for women. Lung cancer is the first. One in eight women will eventually be diagnosed with breast cancer.
    -Breasts can also grow as much as a full cup size during the menstrual cycle however in the days following, hormone levels drop and they shrink to their smallest. FU hormones!
    -According to one study, some women can orgasm via breast stimulation: 1% of the women included in the study, to be exact.
    -Breast implants have been made out of such things as: Polyester, glass balls, ivory, ground rubber, Ox cartilage, and the most famous - silicone injections (which caused granulomas and disfigurement).
    -Some women can reach orgasm just through nipple stimulation. In one study it was found that for some women self-stimulation triggered the genital sensory cortex of the brain.
    -Breast size is pretty much all genetics and weight. Interestingly, when women lose or gain weight, your breasts are one of the first part of the body to change.
    -'Jogger's Nipple' is an all too real condition causing the nipples to become sore or even bleed caused by the friction of rubbing against fabric.
    -Men who like small breasts prefer a submissive partner.
    -The first radical mastectomy (breast removal) was performed in the late 1800's.
    -One study found that when women run, regardless of size, their breasts could move up, down, and all around as much as eight inches.
    -The largest breast implants in the world belong to Sheyla Hershey of Houston TX, formerly of Brazil. Her fake titties put her at an astounding 38KKK. She had to have the procedure done in her native Brazil, as the US doesn't allow that amount of silicon in a body.
    -Coffee can make your boobs more sensitive, according to one study about the effects of caffeine.
    -27-year-old Claire Smedley hit the headlines after almost suffocating her boyfriend with her 40LL's. He fell unconscious after being smothered by her boobs during sex. That's how I want to go!
    -In late 19th century, Korean women would normally wear everyday clothes that exposed their breasts.
    -Having a third nipple isn't uncommon. About 6% of the population has a third (or more) nipple with extra breast tissue. These extra breasts can even lactate and become sensitive during menstruation.
    -Poor men like big breasts while financially secure men prefer smaller breasts. A study found the amount of money a man earns has a lot to do with the size of breasts he prefers.
    -In Japan, some people either tattoo or use makeup to make their nipples appear more pink.
    -Breastfeeding invokes in the mother the neurochemical oxytocin, otherwise known as the "love drug" which helps to focus her attention and affection on her baby. It's now been theorised that men who do nipple foreplay and stimulation during sex can make themselves more desirable.
    -The first boob job surgery took place in 1962. Now it's the most popular form of plastic surgery in the United States, and has been since 2006.
    -The most sensitive part of the breast isn't the nipple, it's the area right above it.
    -Due to the chemicals in cigarettes breaking down the body's elastin, smokers often have saggier breasts than non-smokers.
    -Breast milk is considered to have a sweet flavour due to the high amounts of lactose.
    -In Hong Kong, you can get a degree in Bra Studies from the Hong Kong Polytechnic University. Students learn how to design and build a bra.
    -Hungry men desire big breasts while satiated men prefer a smaller chest. Researchers found that hungry men preferred larger breasts to those whose stomachs were full.
    -There are four types of nipples: protruding, flat, puffy, and inverted. All are normal.
    -Approximately two million women in the United States have breast implants.
    -In 2008, there were 307,230 breast enlargements performed in the US.
    -Men not interested in fatherhood find large breasts less attractive. A study showed that large breasts are a signal of woman's capacity and ability to bear and nurture children.
    -The reason that the original Lara Croft had such large breasts is that the size was accidentally set to 150% by designer, Tony Gard. The rest of the crew convinced him to keep it that way.
    -The largest natural breasts in the world belong to Norma Stitz of the USA. She has a 70 inch chest; a bra size of 102ZZZ. She suffers from gigantomastia, which is a slow but steady growth of breast and fat tissue.
    -Men have nipples because all foetuses start out as females.
    -Chinese women who regularly eat mushrooms and drink green tea daily have 89% less risk of developing breast cancer than those who consume neither.

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    Recent Entries

    I have been reading a book called "The Completion Process" by Teal Swan.   I was stopped in my tracks by the following sentence ...

    “In fact, often the need to help everyone is its own traumatic carryover from childhood.”

    Excerpt From: Swan, Teal. “The Completion Process.” Hay House, 2016-08-08. iBooks. 
    This material may be protected by copyright.

    Check out this book on the iBooks Store: https://itun.es/us/K2_ncb.l

    ......

    this reminded me of what PurpleKnight wrote in his blog.  And reminded me of my comment.  (Here's my comment)

    .....

    I remember a story, I think it is an Italian story of how Christmas presents come. Some woman (I don't remember the name) missed her chance to give the baby Jesus a gift and so from then on she felt compelled to give gifts to all children.   I have come to think she gives these presents out of guilt for her "sin" of missing her original chance of accomplishment. That she has to make up for her mistake. 
    My job is to teach.    I put a lot into my classes. Sometimes I feel like that woman.  Like I am trying to make up for my some mistake that I committed that I don't even remember by providing excellent service to my trainees.   I really don't think of myself as a bad person but I seem to work extra hard to prove to myself and to the world that I'm actually a good person. 

    .....

    well, now the point: I would like to think that we don't always help others just because of a traumatic carryover from childhood.  Actually I have been contemplating, meditating and working things out.   And now I feel more like I help people, not because I need to make up for some wrong of my past, but more because I have enough to give. 

  5. TigersView
    Latest Entry

    I read several different daily devotions,most are of some sorta of Spiritual nature,,I was just reading form a devotion book by Iyanla Vanzant ,it's called "Until Today" and every month covers something different,March is AWARENESS...i haven't read from it in a while,but today I felt drawn to it and what I read felt like something I needed to hear....I';ll be paraphrasing some but I hope it helps like it did me... I'll be re reading it as I type this out.... it Starts : I open my heart and mind to be aware.. Pain is a warning that something is out of order!

    A philosopher once said."Until a man gets into trouble with his own heart,chances are he will not get out of trouble with God!" In other words,pain is not natural! It is a warning that

    something is placing a strain on you... Pain is life's way of getting your attention,of letting you are out of balance or out of order or both! It is rare that pain  will slam you to the ground without a warning. It starts small. If left unattended,the pain becomes a flashing neon sign in the center of your brain. This is not natural. It is natural that you may feel a few pains at the beginning of a new experience. That's just a little fear passing through. The problem is that we have come to accept  gnawing,sometimes debilitating pain as a natural way of living... We almost expect it! We believe that pain is a good thing. (laughs,Please know/remember this is mental and emotional pain ,laughs not the kind soo many here love to give and or receive) Nothing could be farther from the truth! There are people who will tell you to "Bite the bullet!" "Grit your your teeth!" Pain,they believe is good for you.

    And sometimes a little pain  be good for you (this me now) it can wake you up and see something is wrong,like a fire alarm...It can show  you what you need more of or less of.. What's gotten me in trouble is when I ignored the pain and I stayed w/ppl or situations that I knew we weren't good for me because the fear of change and that that possible change might bring kept me in place,even when it was causing me great pain... Pain to the point of wishing I could just cease to exist.... Not die necessarily,just not be for a while it that makes any sense...  Just cease to be long enough for the pain to go away,because it was too heavy and over whelming to deal w/at the time.... You know that's one of the things (one a slightly different road for a second) of the things I came to love and or appreciate about BDSM when I started learning about it was the idea of it being used to help relieve the pain and of suffering of others,by giving them a way to deal with thoughts and or emotions and pain  they couldn't or wasn't able to or didn't know to deal with other wise.... That feels soo beautiful to me that say someone w/a naturally leanings towards Dominance and or control or giving pain etc. can get what they need by giving those things to the right person and that same person can be helped or maybe get on the road to healing just by

    giving up that control and receiving accepting those gifts that needed to be given.... I love no  matter how sexy it can be at times it doesn't have to have anything to do w/it... Just sharing and giving and two ppl  can be much better off for the exchange.... Something I want to stay focused on,giving and getting whats needed for both ,not just the  quick rush of an encounter...

    Any way back to our story ;)    I've let pain come in to my life sooo soo many times in my life and then stood there like a proverbial deer in headlights and just let myself hurt instead of moving or changing or growing like the pain like it was showing me I should.. I run from it or try to sleep it away or just pretend it wasn't there because no matter how unhappy I was and how often I mentioned aloud it seemed I didn't want to do the work needed to rid myself of the pain,in part because the changes needed to get rid or change the thing or circumstances hurting me I knew would bring me more pain,at least at the start.....

    But around the 1st of the year I stumbled upon a site one night bored and lonely and hurting not really having a clue what I would find, while I've hurt a little more these last two days finally cutting my ties there,I'm trying to be grateful for all my pain because it's brought me where I am now.... To a place where I'm finding support and encourage, I need.. Thank you,I Hope I can do the same in kind....

     

  6. This morning was quite an unusual one for me. I had plenty to do, which is par for the course. I needed to go get some cash to tip the cleaning people who are coming later, to stop at the rental office to order some maintenance work and request a wall be painted and also needed to eat. People tell me that I don't eat enough. You haven't seen my belly. But I digress...

    I stopped into Burger King because I love their Eggnormous Burrito. It has the trappings of a great breakfast for me- the eggs, ham and bacon along with some less healthy things (the potatoes kill it as a diet item for me). The person who took my order informed me it was his first day and he was a jolly, boisterous and flamboyant man who couldn't have made it more clear what his preference was. I found him extremely entertaining for some reason, but this could be because I was just in an oddly good mood after a long night of work and some naughtiness.

    He told me to go have a seat and that he would bring my food out to me and my choice of seat placed me in the front show for what I would have though was an episode of WWE Smackdown- Homeless Edition. I hadn't really noticed the two until the scuffle, but this older man who smelled of manure randomly goes up to this 19 year old kid and shoves him. The kid begins crying assault and I think to myself that the entire display was rather juvenile. Until the kid goes outside to call the police and the man grabs all of the kid's belongings and walks outside, throwing them over the railing and onto the street.

    That was when I realized that was all the kid had. All of his belongings in a back pack and two white garbage bags. I was staring at myself, ten years ago and nothing seemed happy or funny any longer. I felt his pain and anguish. I felt his shame. When you carry all that you belong on your back, you can feel the eyes. They burn into your soul, even if you can't see them or don't look.

    People know what you are and they begin to write your own story for you-- assuming you are there because you are lazy or an addict or a failure. On top of that, the kid was attacked by a mental case who proceeded to talk in jibberish until he was told to leave. The kid remained out front, talking on a phone he borrowed to call the police. That was when the jolly, flaming cashier arrived with my food. How could I eat after witnessing that display?

    I needed to do something, so I reached into my wallet and grabbed one of my business cards, telling the boisterous one I was okay when he asked as I headed for the door. I went out and handed it to the kid, telling him if I wasn't there when the cops arrived, I could be contacted for my statement. I was only five feet away from it all. Then I went back in and waited. The kid returned, disheveled from it all and visibly defeated. I asked him if he had eaten and he gave me a deflective response. I told him I would buy him whatever he wanted from the menu. He was too ashamed to accept my offer.

    I sat back down. I noticed how slow I was eating. I just wasn't very hungry. As the kid sat waiting and the workers cleaned up that foul manure smell, I began to build rapport with the kid. I opened by talking about how the other guy needed help and was probably hopped up on drugs and homeless. That led the kid to admit that he was- without never using that despicable word. It was then I told him that I was in his exact position and if he wanted to, he would be able to get out. We were chips off the same block, products of broken homes and parents who had made terrible choices. We couldn't control any of that, but we could control ourselves.

    He asked me what I did and I explained it. We spoke about dogs- what I was doing with Oliver and the dogs he had but sadly needed to put down. I shared a poem about losing dogs and I learned more about his efforts to get out of his situation. He was getting ready to join a program that gave people a place to stay and the on the job training they needed to establish themselves in an area they desired to work. He wanted to pursue a culinary career- something that I once considered doing. I was staring in a mirror and I began to wonder what I would have wanted back then.

    I really wanted to help him. I remembered my own stubbornness when I was homeless. I was too proud to go back home because they would rub it in. So I remained in that position for much longer than I needed to, even though I did eventually rise from my ashes. I explained to him that I could help if he ever wanted advice, because I got out and he could too with hard work. As I was leaving, I reached into my wallet. I never have cash on me except when I tip those cleaning people. This was no coincidence. 

    I told him to take the twenty I offered-- that he would get hungry eventually. The look in his eyes was flooded with emotion. He wanted it so much but was too proud. He didn't want to admit he was in a position to take help. But I said "I have plenty. Take it. Get some food and enter that program. Call me if you ever need to know how to get over a hurdle." He finally took it, saying no one had ever been so generous. I just said that it isn't worth having while others suffer.

    On my way home, it occurred to me to share this experience. It reminded me of the power that shame has always had in my life and I could see the crippling power it had on this kid. Shame is a killer because it deflates our self worth and paralyzes us when we need to reach out. There is a humility you learn from it, but only when you finally ask for and accept the help you need. You see, it is pride that turns shame into quicksand-- consuming us as we try so desperately to fix a problem without the help we need and the help that is being offered to us.

    How many times have you not said something to someone because you don't feel worthy? How many times have you hidden your emotions because you felt you would be judged for them? How many times have you rejected the assistance you needed only to be worse off for it? Shame is a killer as it keeps us from being open and honest. It is the antithesis of propinquity as it forces you to build walls instead of overcome them and pushes others away instead of inviting them in.

    When you need help or want to express feelings that you fear will be responded to with judgement, you need to remember that shame is what is holding you back. You will never receive the help you require or know how the other person feels unless you swallow your pride and ask for help or make those feelings known. People are unable to help you or know how you feel unless you tell them what you need.

    I look back on all of the things I've done in my life for which I have shame-- those dark passengers in my closet that remind me I will never be a good person. They all feed on my shame and when I looked into my own eyes today, I realized where I came from once more-- that I have actually made progress in my life and accomplished things through dedication and hard work. That for whatever guilt I bear over my past, I now have the power to make a difference. The only thing that has been holding me back all this time is shame.

     

  7. I have done some more serious contemplation on what it means for me to be a submissive and the kind of Dom I need..... `

    I think the reason I have found it so difficult finding the right match for me is because I have never truly submitted.....what a revelation to me - almost too hard to hear myself say it.But I know deep inside it's true. I mean I have still wanted or needed to maintain some element of control because I am scared to completely let go. I am scared of losing myself, my independence, feeling weak or being judged by others. And the most difficult one - I am scared to trust and open up and be vulnerable. I am a woman first and foremost, and I need a Dom to see that too. Does being in a d/s relationship have to be so serious? I know giving someone my submission is a serious thing - it is no laughing matter, especially when you are faced with a cane or whip!!... but is it possible to have fun and laugh along the way??. `

    I know there are people in the vanilla world who have this misguided belief that just because a woman is a sub, it means she is a "slut"  and will just take whatever is done to her, no questions asked. Even in the BDSM world there ARE Doms who have this distorted view too. And I unfortunately have fallen prey to men like that. Again this is why I am finding this path so unclear and full of obstacles. But when does this road get any easier? when do I see the sun shine through the rain and everything becomes clear and I begin to find myself???. `

    Many times I have walked away or tried to convince myself I am going to be happy in a vanilla relationship - and most of the time I have been (because for me I just got so fed up, I thought I could do without being a sub and all that came with it) but I wasn't being fulfilled. There was still this yearning or need for more....  I'm sure alot of subs can identify with me on this - unless your journey has been alot easier than mine.....`

    It is not that I do not want to submit, It is more I am scared of a Dom taking my submission and abusing it. Breaking my spirit and my heart. (Getting teary eyed at this point). I really need a Dom who has a soft approach first, gets to know me, becomes my friend first - this is so important to me because how can I submit to someone if they cant be my friend?. I need a Dom patient enough to take the time to build on the foundation of friendship, trust and communication and then take it further. I dont know if there are any Doms like that around.....But that would seriously be my ULTIMATE DOM. Someone who arouses my mind, my body, someone who just has a way about him that makes me "fall to my knees" and want to do anything for. And yeah being mushy here - I want a Dom I can fall in love with, and have him fall in love with me.`

    Can I, will I EVER find the right Dom for me??? I seriously do not know.... but I haven't stopped believing in miracles and fate and destiny........`

     

    Jaz 

      

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    Ok. I have been thinking this through ALOT lately. Trying to sort through the mess in my head and make sense of it all.  `

    For those that don't know me, I have been through a somewhat rocky,unsettling time recently and people I have spoken to have tried to give me advice that I have listened to but not really considered up until now. `

    I have a way of communicating or wording things that come out sounding like I never intended them to. And to those who were on the receiving end of that, I truly apologise. If my words sounded bitter, childish, selfish, uncaring, false or pretentious, then I ask you to forgive me. I know I cant blame my past or other people for things that have happened in my life or even recently - I am solely responsible for my actions and the outcome was the result of those actions.  

    Ok and the topic of this blog is "what am I looking for?", really the question is,why am I HERE?. I am not looking for a Dom who is going to treat me harshly,treat me like I am beneath him,expects my submission to be handed to him on a silver platter. Most of the Doms I have encountered (which is probably why I get so defensive and I really dont need to) think talking to me is license or good enough reason for me to just bow and submit. Now I might not have had alot of relationships with Doms but I do know that isnt how a TRUE Dom behaves and that I should guard my submission... until I find someone that I feel comfortable enough with to just let them shatter all the walls I put up around my heart, my mind, and let them in. I want to feel that joy in obeying his "commands" or completing that task he has assigned me to do.I want to find someone that I just "click" with. I have rarely met a man/Dom that I just find myself respecting without it being expected from me. I am looking for a friend as well as a teacher, mentor and lover, Someone who is strong when I feel weak, respects my limits but gives me the opportunity to explore them and push them, someone who takes the lead and has my best interests at heart. For those that don't know me, yes I can be emotional, and those emotions have reflected someone who I am not. I have upset the people around me by my emotional state, so I need someone who understands this "weakness" and has a "grounding or stablising" effect on me.The one thing I desperately want and need more than anything is someone I can trust. 100%, And know with absolute certainty he is going to be there for me and help me become my best self. Communication should be paramount too right?. I need to be able to express my fears, concerns, troubles etc to my Dom and to celebrate the victories and little achievements along the way..... 

    I feel like I have rambled on enough about what I need and want (mental, physical and emotional attraction would be wonderful too of course!). I need to know what a Dom expects, needs/wants too. what can I offer my perspective Dom? well I have been told it is a 2 way street - so if he can fulfill all my needs then I will do my very best to fulfill his and make him happy and serve him to the best of my ability. And where I fall short, I trust he will take whatever action he thinks is necessary to help me reach my full potential as his submissive.

    I invite all comments- both positive and negative feedback on this blog. If I didnt make sense or something needs clarification, by all means I would be happy to hear from you.`

    `

    Jaz 

     

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    Rise up from the ashes of self loathing, recrimination and regret

    Step into the light and break free from the bonds of fear that smother thee.

    Free the innocence from the consequences of the dark, paid in despair and guilt

    Angels sent by God's Hand shall spread their wings and fly up to their new beginnings

    Upon their flight the sun will rise and you shall find the path of forgiveness

    For realization will come with the dawning of light that your sin is no longer their burden

    Freeing them of these dark bonds is the way of hope

    Only through true forgiveness will the light once again be seen and hope is within reach

    But it is in that moment of blinding bliss where the frailty of hope is the most destructive

    A broken promise, a failed sight, an unspoken truth, an evasive illusion

    Lead not into temptation the hands of hope for these hands are coated with bliss

    Slickened by life's desires, harden by life's broken faith, held up by mysteries of fantasy

    They hold no real strength for even strength is but an illusion that can be stripped away.

    Lost with a single thought, a missing word, a cold response, an illusion of compassion

    The flame of hope is snuffed out and the light begins to fade to gray.

    Reality sets in of the foolish steps that have been gained through both hope and trust

    Rise up from the bowels of hell, the demon of eternal lust

    Filled with greed and hunger his jaws drip with streams of hungry power

    His sights set upon the one too weak to stand against his dark needs

    And with two words, his talons sink in an unbreakable hold for his power is greater then her

    Stripping her of illusion, promise, faith and strength she bends before him

    A soul too weakened by strands of time, left alone within the fading light she is unable to fight

    Bonds of injustice, cruelty, and despair bind her body, and the loss of faith binds her soul

    It is in that moment when the last drop of hope is shed that the demon takes his hold

    Thick dagger like talons sink into her flesh and becomes one with her body

    Ripped off her feet she falls back into the dark as she watches that last sparkling ray of hope fade

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